So after feeling terrible about myself and feeling alone 24/7 my best friend finally came down from mildura and for the first time in a long while i felt like i wasn’t completely alone in the world. it was definitely not a happy time for us both, but just being able to talk to her and have her listen, and being needed for the same thing- it’s nice. it’s nice to feel needed, and comforted, and feel like we matter. but then she had to go back, so i was alone again. coincidentally i have recently made a promise to all my friends to quit smoking by April 26th. So as you could imagine, last week has been absolutely TERRIBLE for me. I’ve had crazy mood swings, extreme cravings for junk food, and i’m tired almost all the time. I also made an impulse decision to cut my hair. My hair was wonderfully long, and I always got compliments on it. One night I was upset, and alone. I was thinking about how all my other friends from high school had moved on with their lives and I was still stuck in the same place, being left behind. So in my unstable mental state, I grabbed a pair of scissors and hacked off half of my hair. My hair now sits just above my shoulders. It was possibly the worst decision I’ve made all week. Now, that one was all my fault. I look like an idiot, and now I have a new job where I can’t wear makeup and I literally look like a 5 year old with a mum haircut. It doesn’t really help that I’m short, and by no means slim, so I kinda look like an oompa loompa. on top of that, I got laryngitis, starting just before Easter and I’ve had no/minimal voice for almost 2 weeks now. I haven’t been smoking, haven’t been drinking, I was on Easter break so I really did not socialise, at all. I skipped uni on Friday because I slept in and missed my bus and I left my assignment until last minute and i had to type up a 1000 word essay last night about “What is politics”… i know nothing about politics.
I went to an 18th on Saturday, it was one of my closest mate’s girlfriend’s. It was a wonderful party, but I was just not in the mood for a night out. I was grumpy, and upset and I just missed my best friend. My mate made me drink, so I spent the entire night clutching on to this one can of absolute filth (jager pre-mix) and everyone was getting nice and drunk and i’m just chilling by the fire not speaking a word to anyone and feeling like i’m about to cry, for no absolute reason. then YAY look who shows up, my ex boyfriend. all of a sudden i start to hate myself. I want to speak to him, but I don’t know what to say. I miss him, I love him, but I know it would never work out, and this just kills me. What’s worse is my friend from uni who’s also at this party is very friendly and gives me his jacket, keeps hugging me and leaning on me. There is absolutely NOTHING going on, but I can’t help but hate myself because I know how it looks. and I hate that I’m giving off the message that i’ve moved on. because i haven’t. i really, really haven’t.
Jarrod was, and probably always will remain, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. When I was at my lowest, he was there to pick me up, and he saved me when I was slipping away. Perhaps our timing was just wrong. Maybe one day in the future when we both have our lives sorted out and we know what we want in our lives, we could give things another go- i’d love that. but for now, all that’s left to do is just to hope, and wish, and pray, that he finds happiness. because he deserves the best. the absolute best. i will never, ever find someone like him, or love someone like him. it’s a shame that things didn’t work, because he is exceptional.
So as you could imagine, seeing him on Saturday triggered a whole range of emotions for me, and I had to be driven home. I drove home, and I cried. For the first time in a long time, for me, anyway (I cry a LOT). I wanted, so badly, to call my best friend, but of course, I didn’t want to annoy her with my problems when she had boy troubles of her own, so I called another friend. A friend who I once went out with when i was 13, and we were both naive, who recently broke up with his girlfriend too, who was like me, and suffered extreme anxiety and depression. I cried on the phone to him until I couldn’t breathe, and he had to tell me to shut up so he could talk. He made me laugh, and I am so thankful he’s a part of my life, even if we aren’t that close anymore I know I can trust him- the world needs more people like him.
On Sunday, I hashed out my essay, and when I was taking a break my little sister decided to start a fight with me. I made a snide comment, and all of a sudden she EXPLODED. She went off about how I’m rude, and I say things about my family under my breath and behind their backs. I pointed out that we all do it to each other and I don’t see why that had anything to do with my comment. She then proceded to hit me, and call me a bitch, and a slut. I was extremely upset and angry. This absolutely enraged me. This is my little sister. my 13 year old sister. She is meant to look up to me. I try my hardest to be a good role model to her, and I always go out of my way to make sure she doesn’t have to experience what I did in high school.
My ex at the time started a rumour about me that I wanted to start a fight with his new girlfriend, and made up ridiculous rumours about my crazy schemes I had come up with in an attempt to get him back. Many of my friends turned my back on me, and joined in. I lost a lot of friends that year, and I was hated. and i mean, HATED. by a lot of people at school. I had practically no one. I got anonymous threats on formspring to kill myself, and that i was a slut, a bitch, and i needed to “grow up” and stop being “pathetic” and trying to ruin people’s relationships. Not a SLIVER of any of those rumours were true. But nobody believed me. That was the year I began to cut.
To be completely honest, I had forgotten about that experience. I tried so hard in my last two years of high school, to change for others. and fix whatever it is i had seem to have done wrong, to make people hate me so much. and in the end, i got there. but when my 13 year old sister told me “you’re a slut. everyone says so. on formspring” i was so shocked. She broke me. The consequences I suffered 3 years ago for a mistake i’m not even sure what it was, TO THIS DAY, still came back and bit me in the ass. my fury built up, and i snapped. i was so tempted to hit her across the face. An urge to hit my own sister. A feeling I haven’t had since I was being bullied myself, when I was 15-16. I held myself back, and thrashed her room, before thrashing mine, making a dent from punching a hole in my door and almost breaking my guitar. I spent the next 4 hours crying on my bed, and I barely finished my essay in time. My mother had to come and console me. She tried to pick up the mess I had created all over my bedroom floor but gave up and just sat next to me on the bed while I cried to my older sister on the phone. When i hung up, my mum simply put her hand on my back and pulled me in to hug me. I can only remember her doing this one other time, which was when my father told me if he had a heart attack and died, it would be my fault- that was the night before my 18th birthday. She had come in at 12am to wish me a happy birthday and I was lying in bed crying. That night i had cut deeper than I ever have. and I hoped that as she hugged me she wouldn’t see, smell or feel the blood leaking through my jumper under the blankets. But as she hugged me this time, I just let her. I cried into her arms and for the first time for what seems to have been YEARS, she told me she loved me. So i cried some more. That night I didn’t cut. Even though I wanted to. I wanted to on Saturday, I wanted to on Sunday, and I still want to now. But i’m doing my best to fight it.
I honestly thought I was fighting my depression, but this week has been the worst I’ve had it since my birthday leading up to year 12 exams. I get this terrible feeling that i’ll never really be okay, and I don’t even remember the last time i was truly happy, in every sense of the word. I don’t have anyone to talk to about my anxieties, which is the only reason i’m making this post. I think even if i did have someone to talk to, they wouldn’t listen long enough to hear it all. nor would they care. because nobody listens nowadays. they just talk.